The holiday season is upon us, and being the brainy type that I am, I can pretty much read what it is that is on a great many of your minds: “What’s the manliest thing I could possibly do with my boys while I have a few free days on my hands?”
Well fear not, hunters of manly activity, for there is a night-long endeavour that will sate your need for boiling testosterone, wanton violence, swearing and greasy/musclie torsos, and that promise of awesomeness is Man Night! If you can handle it.
Man Night is a celebration of raw masculinity, which spurns the ways of sentiment in all its forms and pans out as follows: Choose four of the manliest, sentimentless, violent, sweary, hard and relentless films you can possibly think of and watch in a marathon session while you consume only meats (and condiment smeared bread, if you must), beer and whisky. It’s that simple.
Your mind’s probably reeling now with possible film suggestions, but I can assure you that your selection will not be nearly manly enough unless you’ve chosen the films that were screened on my own debut Man Night (which was so manly that thereafter we had to start themeing the nights just to have secondary selections, Sci-Fi Man Night, Buddy Cop Man Night, like that), which are a sure-fire path to pure masculinity.
So take heed, and watch in this order.
300 kicks off the evening because it is the girliest of the selections. Why? because there is a storyline that is lead by Leonidas’s (Leonidas’?) wife (psssh!). Short of that it’s badass war stuff all the way. And don’t listen to the naysayers; there is nothing gay or racist about mostly-naked/greasy/musclie men killing middle-easterners… Ask Frank Miller.
Manly credentials – The Spartans throw deformed babies off a cliff without crying.
Crank: Gangland enforcer, Chev Chelios (The Stath, naturally) wakes to find that he has been poisoned with a drug that will kill him if his heart rate slips below something-or-other, so he has to do crazy shizz to keep his adrenalin pumping while he tries to find a cure and the sonuvabitch that poised him.
Crank never stops… never! From the opening frame and explanation of the ludicrous drug, the editing and stunt teams never take a break. Watch as the character with the greatest name in film history starts fights with gangbangers, snorts coke off dirty bathroom floors, burns his hand with a waffle iron, has sex with his woman in front of a bus load of Japanese school girls, injects a boner inducing amount of pure adrenalin and hangs off the bottom of a helicopter.
Manly credentials – Chev cuts a dudes hand off with a meat cleaver during a sneak attack. Clearly impressed by his own prowess, Chev asks the injured guy “How frickin’ awesome was that, huh?”
Rambo: Rambo (John. G), Ex-Nam vet and all around killing machine, now a recluse in humid Asia, is asked to ferry a bunch of stupid missionaries into war-torn Burma. They obviously get captured, so Rambo (John. G) has to go in with a bunch of mercs and defeat a battalion of the evil Burmese army.
Massively underrated and scoffed at by the soft lefties, the violence in Rambo is quite clearly justified by the fact that Rambo (John. G) and his merc buddies are fighting perhaps the most evil villain in the history of fiction. Sure, he’s a scrupleless, genocidal General that makes fun games out killing farm peasants, but he’s also a pedophile. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Manly credentials – Picture the scene: Rambo (John. G) is sneaking up on a clueless Burmese soldier, “he’s gonna cut the dude’s throat” you’re thinking, “Awesome!”, but then the soldier hears Rambo (John. G), he starts to turn, BOOM! Rambo (John. G) decapitates him with a machete!… Also he rips a dude’s throat out with his bare hands and turns some other dudes into red mist by shooting them point blank with an anti-tank gun in the chest.
Predator: A group of Special Forces badasses (in a South-American jungle which makes Cambodia look like Kansas) are taken down one at a time by a trainee alien warrior. So Arnie has to take it out by himself, because it turns out that he’s the hardest.
The Headliner! Because it is a classic AND crowned (by me) to be the manliest film of all time. There’s one solitary woman in the cast who gets about four lines, loads of guns an’ stuff, a team of the manliest of all men, infinitely quotable lines throughout, great jokes about women’s bits and fantastic trap building. You’ve seen it, you know what I’m talking about!
Manly credentials – Jesse ‘The Body’ Ventura!
So there you have it, if you think you’ve got it in you, get some buddies ‘round, maybe take your tops off and slap each other across the chest for a while, then get your Man Night on… Merry Christmas!